What the bleap!?!
I've come to the conclusion that I will never cease to have problems as I get older.
When I was young, I thought something was wrong with me. Everybody told me this, so I grew into the belief that it was true. It is a weird product of psychology and sociology where the interactions I've had, shaped who I am. It's weird because I am actually proud of who I have become; yet it if weren't for those people in elementary school who hurt me, I would probably be very different now.
Many people say they would like to go back and change something in their life; I think that notion is absurd. Even if I wasn't happy with who I am (which for a time I wasn't), I would not dare change anything because there's no telling how bad things might have become if I had done something differently. True, I am sorry for the sins I've committed and for their consequences on others, however I wouldn't change anything else.
Back to my conclusions about life...
I had problems with self-esteem when I was little. When I went to high school, things didn't get better. My ever-changing psyche went haywire with hormones. I began to doubt myself and others tremendously. I only had faith in the people who hurt me, that they would continue to hurt me. It's amazing what we put each other through. I think it was Romy and Michelle's H.S. Reunion where I heard, "everybody made somebody's life hell in high school."
How true!! I don't know how, but I'm sure I hurt many people in H.S. As a result of my own downward spiral through depression and anxiety, I retaliated by putting on the mask of happiness. I heard that nothing ruins the mood of a bully than happiness of his victim. Even though I was far from happy, I found a smile. I pretty much faked my way through everything Junior and Senior years. I don't think I was truly happy until after I became good friends with Dave, Lubbers, and renewed my friendship with Smess.
I think we get to the point in our masked behavior that we forget the masks are there and become what the mask says we are. Then, as adults we must sift through all of the layers of the onion to find the real person that God put here.
Right now, I fear that I'm still living in the masks. I feel happy with who I am, but am I really who I think I am? These are th questions I ask myself. I fear the worst, but hope for the best.
I've been told that my attitude seems so natural, that it must be what God intended for me. This is great comfort to me.
But I digress (digest) again...
As we age, these problems of youth never really go away; they just evolve and change faces. Instead of feeling insecure about friends and aquaintances, we feel insecure about spouses and children. I have a friend who worries that her children don't love her. It's a sobering thought to think that maybe my mother felt the same way about my inaffection as I grew up.
Jesus said that to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we must be like the children. I think that as young adults an adults, we ask "why" too much about the wrong things. As kids we wondered about the world and people --> curiosity. As adults we wonder about ourselves and others (comparing) --> dangerous curiosity.
Maybe I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be a lot better if we just accepted what we have and go on with life. When we compare ourselves, it is hard to avoid the temptation to judge and be jealous.
How much does it hurt God when we wish for more than He wisely gave us???? Do I think I know better than Him?
---------------------------------------
Today : Trapped in my skin; wishing for release.
Drained of emotion, yet full of it!
When I was young, I thought something was wrong with me. Everybody told me this, so I grew into the belief that it was true. It is a weird product of psychology and sociology where the interactions I've had, shaped who I am. It's weird because I am actually proud of who I have become; yet it if weren't for those people in elementary school who hurt me, I would probably be very different now.
Many people say they would like to go back and change something in their life; I think that notion is absurd. Even if I wasn't happy with who I am (which for a time I wasn't), I would not dare change anything because there's no telling how bad things might have become if I had done something differently. True, I am sorry for the sins I've committed and for their consequences on others, however I wouldn't change anything else.
Back to my conclusions about life...
I had problems with self-esteem when I was little. When I went to high school, things didn't get better. My ever-changing psyche went haywire with hormones. I began to doubt myself and others tremendously. I only had faith in the people who hurt me, that they would continue to hurt me. It's amazing what we put each other through. I think it was Romy and Michelle's H.S. Reunion where I heard, "everybody made somebody's life hell in high school."
How true!! I don't know how, but I'm sure I hurt many people in H.S. As a result of my own downward spiral through depression and anxiety, I retaliated by putting on the mask of happiness. I heard that nothing ruins the mood of a bully than happiness of his victim. Even though I was far from happy, I found a smile. I pretty much faked my way through everything Junior and Senior years. I don't think I was truly happy until after I became good friends with Dave, Lubbers, and renewed my friendship with Smess.
I think we get to the point in our masked behavior that we forget the masks are there and become what the mask says we are. Then, as adults we must sift through all of the layers of the onion to find the real person that God put here.
Right now, I fear that I'm still living in the masks. I feel happy with who I am, but am I really who I think I am? These are th questions I ask myself. I fear the worst, but hope for the best.
I've been told that my attitude seems so natural, that it must be what God intended for me. This is great comfort to me.
But I digress (digest) again...
As we age, these problems of youth never really go away; they just evolve and change faces. Instead of feeling insecure about friends and aquaintances, we feel insecure about spouses and children. I have a friend who worries that her children don't love her. It's a sobering thought to think that maybe my mother felt the same way about my inaffection as I grew up.
Jesus said that to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we must be like the children. I think that as young adults an adults, we ask "why" too much about the wrong things. As kids we wondered about the world and people --> curiosity. As adults we wonder about ourselves and others (comparing) --> dangerous curiosity.
Maybe I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be a lot better if we just accepted what we have and go on with life. When we compare ourselves, it is hard to avoid the temptation to judge and be jealous.
How much does it hurt God when we wish for more than He wisely gave us???? Do I think I know better than Him?
---------------------------------------
Today : Trapped in my skin; wishing for release.
Drained of emotion, yet full of it!
posted by Michael-Fay @ 11/29/2004 11:22:00 PM
4 Comments:
At November 30, 2004 12:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dave Said...
Sorry, I really ain’t got nothn’ I can tell you. But that I agree.
Just try to live life how you what to and see what happens, it’s hard to do but I don’t have anything else to say other than I will be here (or there) for you whenever you need me to be. You just have to spell it out for me though cause I’m not real good at taking subtle hints, ok any hints for that matter.
I don’t think these words of wisdom fit well here but I have wanted to say them for a while (since I just steal one lines from any were I can) and never get an opportunity to, so I’m using them here.
In the words of the great Eric Matthews, to his brother Cory “Life’s tough kid, get a helmet” Then his him in the forehead.
But of course one can see were it would be better in person cause then I could actually hit the person (lightly of course).
I just had a thought: You said that environment shapes who you are and you would not change the past. Thus would not those masks be formed from you environment, and are there for actually really a part of you, who you are now, because of what you went through?.
At November 30, 2004 8:50 AM,
Smess said…
Hey Cuzz, first off, I wanted to let you know that you were one of the people who made high school worth going through for me. I really wanted a close group of friends and whereas I wasn't trusting in the friends I did have, you were my constant. I knew that we faught like brother and sister and that we competed for everyone's attention, but through all that I knew that you had my back and that was enough for me. I can remember when we were wee youngin's taking gymnastics together and out of nowhere I hear you yell, "My cousin is NOT UGLY!" although you probably embarrassed me more than helped at the time, I knew then that you were protective of me and would be my constant.
Second off, I have to say this because of my sarcastic attitude: We're just little rays of sunshine in this dark would, aren't we??"
I love you so unconditionally and I truely miss you, but I don't ever want you to feel guilty for not "being there" for me. You have been there for me in so many ways, it would be selfish of me to ask any more of you. I only hope that you know that I am willing to return the favor whenever you need me.
At November 30, 2004 2:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
No moment in life is a waste unless you learn nothing from it. Its not that an environment can necessarily change you. I think people would still be the same if put in a different place, but rather that the area around you shapes the person you already are a little, causeing everyone to be a little different. Neither for the worse or the better.
Did that make sense. It did in my head, hummmmm.... -Toph-
At November 30, 2004 6:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
I love you buddy. I like you just the way you are, and I think that you are happy with yourself. I'm glad I'm you're friend, and you're my friend. I only regret not becoming friends with you sooner. Come think of it. I don't really remember when we became friends. Oh well. It doesn't matter.
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