Part One
So, I was BUTTER (aka.- 'on a roll' with posting and all); then I got side-tracked with important stuff. Such things were school and reading up on how much better Subaru is than ... well everything else. ;) - that's just for you Sends.
Well anywho, I am kinda busy with everything going on. I have a lot of work to do with school and plenty to think about, with the future coming up on me so quickly. The only thing is that I don't seem to be doing any work ahead of time like I keep planning. What's worse is that I "plan" to do all this stuff early, then I don't even do some of it until it's almost due. I guess I'm out of student teaching mode and back to a normal college student again. Ain't it grand sometimes???
This lack of drive to do work is starting to bother me, though. Earlier this week I fell asleep at my computer. While this is not so odd, consider the situation: Say you walk into the PC lab at school and see a fellow student bent over the keyboard hard at work; you admire him at first, but soon realize he is not bent over the keyboard but hunched over the desk obviously in a coma, induced by a satisfying lunch. How odd is that!!
Lately, too, at night I have taken to lying on the couch watching mind-numbing tv shows with my recently graduated full-time worker sister. How sad is that!!
Okay, enough talk about my crappy work habits. Let's talk about some good stuff...
I've been wondering what to do next with school; I don't really know what I want, or what would be best. However, I have been weighing the pros and cons of each option logically, and it's gained little ground for me. I think that, professionally, I would benefit from full-time grad school right away. Scary as it seems, the best opportunity lies at Miami of Ohio or Perdue U. On a more personal note, I feel like this would take me from everyone I know and love. Yes, Smess... I too would be very sad to go away, but I don't know I UC can offer what I feel is best.
On the other hand, part of me wants to start teaching right away. Many days I find myself reacting to random bits of information with a thought or two about how I'll run my classroom and what I'll say and do the first days, etc. This is exciting to think about, but only confuses me more.
On a spiritual note, I recently discovered that I haven't been listening to (or really asking for that matter) God's input. Often, I seem to put Him third in life, but on the bright side it's not because I always put my needs first. I often don't take my needs into consideration. I guess you could say my life is out of balance at the moment.
Part Two
As far as listening to God is concerned, I have definitely been slacking. I mainly focus on our overall relationship when I pray. I'm trying to keep that bond strong, but I'm too independent sometimes and don't think to check with Him. I'm a little upset about the What's Next retreat being cancelled because I thought it was what I need to keep me on track right now, but I guess God has other things planned.
I've often thought about living the single life, as opposed to marriage or priesthood. It has been appealing lately, since I've often felt as though I don't need another person to share life with exclusively. (again, a result of independence)
Although being a priest has been thrown at me many times in my life by the "older" crowd, I have always been turned off by that road. Not just the fear of the position, but also the life along the way in the seminary. That schooling ain't for me - I don't see it that way at least.
Sometimes, though, I have these moments where I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have a relationship so close as I would with a wife. I feel all warm and cozy inside when I think about the love between a man and a woman, and eventually children. Sorry cuzzin, but I call these "Smess" moments where I can't help but want someone to be with me. ;)
It's odd, when I think about life right now, I dread at the thought of 'dealing' with girls (as more than friends); at the same time, I have several friends who I wouldn't mind being closer to (if you know what I mean) ?!? Then again, when I look to the future I always picture myself as a counselor of some sort, working with kids, parenting, and teaching. Now I could adopt as a single man, but it's very unusual; and I think the happiest times spent in marriage are while parenting. Lofty ideals, I know.
I guess what I'm saying is that I have little real physical/sexual desire to be with anyone now, but emotionally/psychologically I know it would be a necessary part of my future.
Regardless, I pray that I might remain open to God's plans.
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word of the day --> IBM - intercontinental ballistics missile / international business machines
