Don't you hate when that hapens?
A serious question:
Why is it that we expect others to treat us as the "great" human beings that we are, yet we often don't look past first impressions of others?
In high school, I was popular but not in the kind of way that you would normally think. Some people were the "In Crowd" who everyone knew and wanted to be known by. Others were just well-liked by friends and strangers alike. I, on the other hand, was the person who everyone knew as far as rumors went. It was a very odd anomoly, my life then.
You know how rumors fly in high school and people talk behind each others' backs and all? Well, my time there was rittled with outright attacks against my person. Most people didn't care one way or the other about me, or at least they didn't show it... or maybe I couldn't accept it...
I was made fun of and taunted and talked about as though I weren't even there. I sort of became immune to this during grade school, when I put up a wall of denial, which prevented any attempt at friendship early on. Also, I was kind of a masochist because I sought out the popular 'crowd' in hopes of acceptance (by doing so, I made some enemies with the unpopular folks by treating them poorly), which only left me shunned again. I guess it was my attitude toward this treatment that kept it coming so blatantly. They probably thought I knew they were kidding or something.
Oh how badly I wanted to believe that! But it was not to be so...
The guys were harsh and unsparing. Those who weren't so mean, I anticipated standing up for me, but they never did in front of me or a crowd. (I wonder if I would have done so...) The girls gave me pity, which was cool because they were the ones whose opinions mattered the most. I mean guys are dumb, right? What do they know?? Girls, however, are angels...
A skewed vision that I'm guessing came from one of the few people who, when I needed to hear it most, stood up for me and said simply - "Isn't this getting a little old?" Shortly thereafter, she told me I better stop letting this happen, or high school would be hell.
Anyway, this is part of my story. A misunderstood young man with all the potential in the world and no one to support him along the way. WHATEVER!!
Boy am I dumb! I was just looking in all the wrong places. This brings me to my point in writing this.
There was a group of people who were friends in high school. Their group was ever changing, but revolved around some core people by senior year: Gerry, Mike, Dave, and Lubbers.
Funny how these guys had never said a word against me; or at least they had the grace to do it behind my back. Yet, I never once even thought they would make good friends. They were the ones mentioned before as being liked by friends and strangers alike. They are some of the most innocent and caring guys I know, to date.
Here is the rough part. Although I have the utmost respect for them now, this group of friends always seemed to be... less than worthy of my friendship. I shutter at the thought of this. I fear that they would not accept me if they knew how I looked down on them, but then I would be greatly underestimating them. They are truly remarkable.
I can remember finally realizing the potential for friends that existed here. By senior year I tried to make friends from acquaintances. This is where I changed my attitude toward girls. The girls that these guys hung out with didn't seem to be so friendly or accepting of me. I thought I made a mistake trying to make friends.
By graduation I had barely become friends with Ryan and Mike. Gerry and the girls had been in and out of my life over the years, so I didn't really try to hard to be accepted by them. Of course, I always tried to hard to make friends and I wore many masks. It's no wonder why it was so hard to make friends. Anyway, I hung out with this group loosely over the next month, but different colleges called our names and I didn't see them much. I started out college with a bang. Such a diverse crowd with so many people more "different" from the norm than me existed here.
I was finally accepted by many people; I savored it. But it felt shallow. Once I left school, I had nothing still. So over Christmas, the "old school group" had a dance for old times sake. They invited me!!! How cool!?! I finally realized that when people are overly nice and accepting right away, that usually means they're being fake. These kids weren't (for the most part).
Anyway, every story has a happy ending; here's mine:
The one guy in this group of friends that I constantly overlooked was Dave. I went on a retreat and found out that he is probably the best friend I could've asked for. I can't really describe him, so I won't try. He gave up his sanity it seemed, so I could keep mine.
The rotten twist to this happy ending is that I have struggled to forgive myself for my attitude toward him. I think I finally have forgiven myself, but it seems incomplete until he forgives me.
In school, I fell into the trap of gossip and back stabbing because I always wanted to be with the "in crowd". When it came to Dave, I rarely gave him a second thought. I mean he was in the "lower classes" and he was weird; he did weird things and he drove a dumb-looking car. I mean what else is there to life?? It didn't matter that he is probably the most genuine person I've met and the most sincere friend I have (along with my sister-wannabe cousin).
But, no that didn't matter to me. He didn't look cool, so I had nothing to do with him. As I ponder my life now, I can't help but wonder. Many people say they wouldn't change a thing about their past because they don't know what good might have come from their mistakes. I disagree; I wish I could take back high school to have a friend in Dave, Mike, and Ryan much sooner. I'm sure we'd still be friends now.
So I guess I'm saying... Do you forgive me guys?? (insert puppy-dog face here)
-------------------------
Today: relieved, hopeful
~
Why is it that we expect others to treat us as the "great" human beings that we are, yet we often don't look past first impressions of others?
In high school, I was popular but not in the kind of way that you would normally think. Some people were the "In Crowd" who everyone knew and wanted to be known by. Others were just well-liked by friends and strangers alike. I, on the other hand, was the person who everyone knew as far as rumors went. It was a very odd anomoly, my life then.
You know how rumors fly in high school and people talk behind each others' backs and all? Well, my time there was rittled with outright attacks against my person. Most people didn't care one way or the other about me, or at least they didn't show it... or maybe I couldn't accept it...
I was made fun of and taunted and talked about as though I weren't even there. I sort of became immune to this during grade school, when I put up a wall of denial, which prevented any attempt at friendship early on. Also, I was kind of a masochist because I sought out the popular 'crowd' in hopes of acceptance (by doing so, I made some enemies with the unpopular folks by treating them poorly), which only left me shunned again. I guess it was my attitude toward this treatment that kept it coming so blatantly. They probably thought I knew they were kidding or something.
Oh how badly I wanted to believe that! But it was not to be so...
The guys were harsh and unsparing. Those who weren't so mean, I anticipated standing up for me, but they never did in front of me or a crowd. (I wonder if I would have done so...) The girls gave me pity, which was cool because they were the ones whose opinions mattered the most. I mean guys are dumb, right? What do they know?? Girls, however, are angels...
A skewed vision that I'm guessing came from one of the few people who, when I needed to hear it most, stood up for me and said simply - "Isn't this getting a little old?" Shortly thereafter, she told me I better stop letting this happen, or high school would be hell.
Anyway, this is part of my story. A misunderstood young man with all the potential in the world and no one to support him along the way. WHATEVER!!
Boy am I dumb! I was just looking in all the wrong places. This brings me to my point in writing this.
There was a group of people who were friends in high school. Their group was ever changing, but revolved around some core people by senior year: Gerry, Mike, Dave, and Lubbers.
Funny how these guys had never said a word against me; or at least they had the grace to do it behind my back. Yet, I never once even thought they would make good friends. They were the ones mentioned before as being liked by friends and strangers alike. They are some of the most innocent and caring guys I know, to date.
Here is the rough part. Although I have the utmost respect for them now, this group of friends always seemed to be... less than worthy of my friendship. I shutter at the thought of this. I fear that they would not accept me if they knew how I looked down on them, but then I would be greatly underestimating them. They are truly remarkable.
I can remember finally realizing the potential for friends that existed here. By senior year I tried to make friends from acquaintances. This is where I changed my attitude toward girls. The girls that these guys hung out with didn't seem to be so friendly or accepting of me. I thought I made a mistake trying to make friends.
By graduation I had barely become friends with Ryan and Mike. Gerry and the girls had been in and out of my life over the years, so I didn't really try to hard to be accepted by them. Of course, I always tried to hard to make friends and I wore many masks. It's no wonder why it was so hard to make friends. Anyway, I hung out with this group loosely over the next month, but different colleges called our names and I didn't see them much. I started out college with a bang. Such a diverse crowd with so many people more "different" from the norm than me existed here.
I was finally accepted by many people; I savored it. But it felt shallow. Once I left school, I had nothing still. So over Christmas, the "old school group" had a dance for old times sake. They invited me!!! How cool!?! I finally realized that when people are overly nice and accepting right away, that usually means they're being fake. These kids weren't (for the most part).
Anyway, every story has a happy ending; here's mine:
The one guy in this group of friends that I constantly overlooked was Dave. I went on a retreat and found out that he is probably the best friend I could've asked for. I can't really describe him, so I won't try. He gave up his sanity it seemed, so I could keep mine.
The rotten twist to this happy ending is that I have struggled to forgive myself for my attitude toward him. I think I finally have forgiven myself, but it seems incomplete until he forgives me.
In school, I fell into the trap of gossip and back stabbing because I always wanted to be with the "in crowd". When it came to Dave, I rarely gave him a second thought. I mean he was in the "lower classes" and he was weird; he did weird things and he drove a dumb-looking car. I mean what else is there to life?? It didn't matter that he is probably the most genuine person I've met and the most sincere friend I have (along with my sister-wannabe cousin).
But, no that didn't matter to me. He didn't look cool, so I had nothing to do with him. As I ponder my life now, I can't help but wonder. Many people say they wouldn't change a thing about their past because they don't know what good might have come from their mistakes. I disagree; I wish I could take back high school to have a friend in Dave, Mike, and Ryan much sooner. I'm sure we'd still be friends now.
So I guess I'm saying... Do you forgive me guys?? (insert puppy-dog face here)
-------------------------
Today: relieved, hopeful
~
posted by Michael-Fay @ 1/26/2005 09:00:00 PM
3 comments
